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Friday, May 28, 2010

Worst on the team...Yep that's Me!


How many times have you heard that Tiger Woods is an amazing athlete? Every member of the sports media has said it @ some point. In fact I think they might even be contractually obligated to mention that @ least once every time they talk about Tiger. There's no question that Tiger Woods is an amazing...golfer. I can't say for absolute certainty that Tiger is a good athlete much less an amazing one. I've never seen him hit a jump shot & I have serious concerns about his ability to hit a 97mph fastball. So what exactly is my point? It's actually quite simple. GOLF IS NOT A SPORT! I won't argue that golf is a game but a sport might be stretching things a bit. Allow me to explain.

Every spring the golf tournaments come out of the woodwork. What makes these tournaments great is the fact that you can be the world's worst golfer & still contribute to your team winning. That's right, best ball scrambles make bad golfers, drum roll please, slightly less bad golfers. What sport has a tournament where 4 people team up, each hit the ball from the exact same spot & then play the best shot? How does this make sense? Wouldn't you think that each person on the team would need to bring something to the table? So if I am horrible (which I am) & hit a bad shot who cares as long as someone else on the team hits a better one. Golf has A,B,C & D players. Take me for example. I'm a Y player. As in why do I bother even trying to play this stupid game?! See I said game. Not sport, game! Now I'm sure you may be thinking, "well Andrew you're obviously bitter because you are an awful golfer." I can only say one thing to that...Damn right I'm bitter because I'm an awful golfer! But I will say something now that might surprise you...I don't mind being the worst player on the team. In fact I kind of like it.

Take what happened in my most recent golf outing. "We" were playing pretty well. And yes I can say we because "we" were a team & just because I can only contribute once or twice a round doesn't mean "WE" aren't playing well. Anyway, "we" all hit our shots hoping to get a ball on the green. The other 3 guys hit their shots which weren't the best. @ that point they began complaining about how hard our next shot was going to be. That's when I chimed in & said, "we can play my shot. It's right there in front of the green." Well apparently hell had just frozen over because they look down the course then look @ one another & low & behold there's Andrew with a nice shot. The response from my good old teammates? "Well I guess we can play Andrew's shot." Are you kidding me?! You guess? Last I checked your shots sucked so you're damn right "we can play Andrew's shot!"

So why do I like being the team's worst golfer? Let's just say that any good shot I hit is a bonus. There's no expectation. All I have to do show up hit a few wild & crazy shots, get a few laughs & listen to others ask the same question every damn time. "Are you really going to play barefoot?" Seriously? Have you seen my game? How in the hell would shoes make one bit of difference? If I'm going to suck I might as well be comfortable, right? I have actually been known to hit a ball @ a 90 degree angle. If you're not familiar with golf there isn't a hole on the course that's 90 degrees from the tee box. In fact it's usually best to hit the ball straight ahead rather than due right. Who knew the only time my 10th grade geometry would factor into my life would be 90 degree shots on a freaking golf course. Anyway I would rather be the worst golfer on the team than the second or third best golfer. Who remembers those guys? The answer to that riddle is no one. I may be a bad golfer & nine times out of ten I am probably the worst golfer on the team (there actually is one person I play with that makes me look good so shut it) but @ the end of the day when my teammates, & God help us anyone else that saw our team play, are talking about 2 people on our team I can promise you they will mention the best player on our team & you guessed it...me!

Welcome to the Cult...I Mean the Church


In a world where gossip reigns supreme, church is doing it's best to keep up. Barber shops, nail salons & churches have far too much in common these days. The concept of church @ one time I'm sure made sense but now churches are compounds. A place to keep people, especially young people, in a concentrated area where every thought can be influenced & our youth can grow up in a misguided world. How many churches these days have a gym? Or a summer camp for kids? Both are great concepts but I think it's better marketing for the church than anything else. What better way to keep people confined to the limited thinking of organized religion than to entice them to stay & bench press for the Lord?! What a joke!

These people actually live in a world where people are told you're going to "hell" because you don't think like members of a specific group. Are you serious?! I think Hitler lived by this thought process (or lack thereof) & he almost single handily destroyed Europe! The Christian faith is far & away the best example of church gone bad. How many Christian faiths will tell you that a person will go to "hell" if they don't accept Jesus as their Lord & savior? Savior from what? If you ask me we need someone to save us from the narrow mindedness of church goers everywhere. People that go to church profess to be loving & accepting people. Really? Are you buying this propaganda because I'm not. Any religion that states someone is going to "hell" for believing differently is a religion I want no part of. Why would an all loving God discriminate against anyone? Based upon the fundamentals of Christianity, "Heaven" is going to be missing some pretty impressive people. Buddha, Gandhi & the Mohammad are going to "hell" in case you were wondering. The Dali Lama...yep he's going South too. And if this truly is the case, I hope I'm going there too! A place that excludes these amazing people but includes Hitler & members of the KKK is not a place I ever want to see.

So let's make sure I understand this. You can be the worst person on the planet but on your death bed ask for forgiveness & you get a one way ticket to "Heaven" while I am stuck punching my ticket into the seventh layer of "hell." Why is it that church goers feel compelled to force their beliefs on me? Is there some sort of twisted quota these deranged lunatics have to meet? Is this Sunday "bring a sinner to church day?' Do they get a free meet & greet with Moses if they bring a new person to church with them?

I was taught from a very early age to think for myself & that if someone tells you that their way is the only way, then there's probably a better way. I'm not asking anyone to denounce their faith. All I'm asking for is some acknowledgement that there just might be more than one way to get to "Heaven." That is if there really is a "Heaven" @ all.