Not only am I writing today to try & right an injustice, I am also writing because I need your help. As you read this there are groups of people that are threatening the safety of people everywhere. Your loved ones, my loved ones? Yep, they are in harm’s way. But it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s time we take a stand against the evil minds that are destroying our nation’s roadways one car @ a time. It’s time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! That’s right OnStar we’re talking about you!
I mean come on! Have you heard these commercials? They are the saddest most tear jerking commercials ever written. Let’s paint a nice picture, shall we? You’re driving down the interstate on your way to God knows where, listening to (& singing) Michael Bolton @ the top of your lungs. That’s right Michael Bolton! Yeah, like I’m the only one that loses all sense of musical taste when on a long drive. Show me a person who hasn’t belted out “Time, Love & Tenderness” & I’ll show you a person who hasn’t lived! Did I just say Michael Bolton? Because I meant Michael…Jackson. Oh hell that’s not any better & yes I have sung “Man in the Mirror” on many a car trip. Anyway back to the sadistic marketing minds @ OnStar. So you’re driving along listening to the radio when it happens. “OnStar Emergency.” At this point they’ve got you right where they want you. These devious bastards know we can’t change the station now because we have to know how this God awful situation plays out. Every time I hear, “OnStar Emergency” I promise myself I will be strong but I know it’s only a matter of time before my eyes are watering like a woman who’s just see the movie Titanic. I mean Rose swore she would never let go of Jack but we all know how that played out. And why wasn’t she willing to share that piece of debris she was floating on? Poor Jack is freezing his ass off as he’s chest deep in ice laden waters while Rose looks like she’s on a raft @ Club Med. I didn’t mean to go off in a different direction like that but I think we can all agree that Jack got the short end of the stick in this deal. Well, that & Leo DiCaprio is one hell of an actor!
Where were we? Oh yeah, “OnStar Emergency” So you’re driving down the interstate going @ least 70mph & then this happens, “I was driving my son Charlie to his favorite petting zoo when I lost all feeling on my left side. I knew I was in trouble because I lost my right arm 10 years ago in a magic trick gone wrong. I started to panic & that’s when I saw the school bus but it was too late. There was nothing I could do.” Now if this weren’t bad enough what does the OnStar operator do next? That’s right he wants to talk to Charlie. “So Charlie you like petting zoos?” “Yes & alpacas are my favorite. Please hurry. I love my Daddy.” Are you freaking kidding me?! “Don’t worry Charlie help is on the way. You should be hearing sirens now.” “We do! Thanks random OnStar person.” Sobbing uncontrollably yet? I know me too. Who knew little 4 year old Charlie knew what the hell an alpaca was?
How is anyone supposed to stay focused on driving while listening to something like that? If you ask me these commercials are going to do one of two things. One, cause you the listener to have a violent crash, reach for the OnStar button only to realize that your expensive European automobile doesn’t have OnStar. Now not only are you about to crash but you’re second guessing your decision to go with looks over the practicality of a GM with OnStar. Two, you find yourself driving straight to the nearest Buick dealership & trading that fine Lexus for an Enclave. Sure Tiger Woods drives one & now so do you! Newsflash, if you think for one second Tiger pulls into his gated community in a Buick you are kidding yourself my friend! I know Mikey the Buick salesman swore Tiger drives this exact car but it’s now time you come to terms with the fact that the ONLY reason you are now the proud owner of a car no one under the age of 90 should own is because of those bastards @ OnStar. Maybe that’s their plan. Life altering commercials equals substantial sales increases. If that is the ultimate goal I only have one thing to say, “ Well played OnStar…Well played.”
