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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

It Happens!

What are the 12 most frightening words in the English language? Try these, "Don't get in the pool until we get all the poop out!" I actually heard these words spoken over the Memorial Day weekend. Allow me to explain. As we were finishing up lunch on the balcony of our condo @ the beach yesterday there was an incident in the pool. And yes by incident I mean some little bastard shit in the pool. I apologize for my bluntness but let's be real here, how else can I put that? I'm not sure if you understand the magnitude of what happened. There was a kid in the pool & he decided that of all the best places in the world @ that particular moment to take a crap it would be in a condo swimming pool! What makes this even more fun is the fact that his hillbilly ass family handled this like it was just another day @ the beach (pun intended). So before we move on & you hear the rest of the story let's paint the picture of these dumbasses teaching their kids the basics of potty training. Oh & by the way, the kid that ruined me for public pools everywhere was around 3 years old.
"Ok Bubba Jr we're going to the beach this weekend. Now this is a big moment for our sorry ass little family because we really should never be allowed to leave the institution. I know you're upset because I promised we'd take you to your first Klan rally this weekend but you gonna have to trust me that the beach is gonna be fun. At some point while you're having the time of your life swimming in something other than the blow-up pool you share with the opossoms @ Granny's house you might have to go to the bathroom. Now of course the logical thing to do in this case would be to tell me so we can go inside to the bathroom. But remember BJ we ain't logical people. When you need to go poopy I don't want you to worry about a thing. Just think of that big pool as a big ass toilet & let it go."

Fast forward now to the aftermath. Little Bubba has crapped in the pool which causes the rest of the hillbillies to scury like cockroaches when the lights come on. Unfortunately though Bubba Jr's younger brother left his ball in the pool. This causes obvious distress since this is the only toy he can play with that requires no thought. Just as the future star of cops leans into the water to retrieve this magical ball the 12 most frightening words in the english language are spoken, "Don't get in the pool until we get all the poop out!" I don't know about you but @ this point I'm thinking this is like the oil spill on crack. You could actaully see pieces of crap floating in the pool! Being the savvy rednecks that they were they decide to handle this situation themselves. The oldest son gets the pool net & begins fishing terds out of the pool. If this weren't bad enough, as he pulled each one out he would then throw them on the protected sand dunes! I'm sure when the people put the signs up stating not to walk on the sand dunes & that pets are not allowed on the beach they never once thought about putting this sign up, "Don't throw your baby brother's shit on the dunes." OH MY GOD! At what point do we not close down the whole pool & bring a hazmat team in? There aren't enough chemicals in the country of Iraq to make me feel comfortable about getting back in that damn pool.

Finally the maintenance crew comes down & begins taking over "Operation Terd." Now I am a firm believer that an employee should never say, "It's not my job" but who in the hell could have blamed these guys if they had said, "Screw it! We're out of here!" Afterall there's only so much shit (pun intended once again) a person can take!